by T.E. Corner
The long awaited days of spring were finally upon us. On this beautiful bright day of new beginnings I stood in my daughter’s bedroom talking with her about the day ahead. A shower of tears darted from her eyes sprinting down her cheeks drenching her sheets. In between sobs she moaned about why she didn’t want to go to tennis practice. “I don’t want to go!”
“Why not?” I asked.
“I just don’t want to go!”
“Well, can you help me understand why you don’t want to go?” I asked.
Her tears were real, I could see them and touch them. In response, I wiped them away, but her fears remained despite my inability to see them or touch them. If I could I would have wiped them away, as well. The illusion of her fears taunted her and teased me as I pondered ways to help her understand.
“I don’t know. I just don’t want to go!” More tears flowed accompanied by a bit of drool giving the appearance of a great flood drowning her happiness. I watched my daughter fall apart before my eyes.
“Well, try to pay attention to your thoughts and figure out what is making you cry.”
“I don’t know!” she blubbered.
“Okay.” I searched for a way to ease her angst. “Whatever it is that you are worried about, what’s the worst thing that you think will happen?” I asked and received silence in response with more tears.
“What could happen that is so awful?” I patiently asked behind a veil of growing frustration. “Do you not want to go because you are afraid of something?”
She mustered up the courage to answer, “I don’t want to be in a group with other kids.”
“Okay. You don’t want to be in a group. Well, I can understand that.” I replied. “Sometimes I don’t like to be in groups. More often than you probably realize. Is there anything else that you are afraid of?”
“The tennis teacher,” She cried.
“Okay. What about the tennis teacher?”
“I don’t know”
“Are you afraid you will get in trouble or do something wrong?”
Bellowing, she nodded her head in agreement. “I don’t want to get yelled at.”
“Well, sweetie the teacher or coach will not yell at you.” I held fast to understanding fear from a nine year old’s perspective. “When you are at school aren’t you in groups? Your class is really a group of kids, right?”
No verbal response from my daughter, yet I accepted her tiny smirk as agreement. Her tears began to retreat.
“That is why the teachers and coaches are there, to help you get better. They are not there to yell at you. You go to school every day on a bus with a group of kids and you survive. How many times does your teacher yell at you when you get to school?”
“She doesn’t.” Jordan replied.
“Sweetie, I think you are making all of this up in your head. You seem to have survived being around all of those kids in class and at recess. Plus, it seems your teacher doesn’t yell at you. But, just in case I am wrong and your tennis teacher yells at you I will be there to make sure you are okay.”
“By the way, I used to do the same thing when I didn’t want to go to practice. I cried and moaned until my mom either let me stay home or forced me go. When she made me go to practice I did not like it, but looking back on it I am glad she made me go because I faced my fears and everything always worked out for me.”
“Look at me sweetie, please repeat these words, ‘Everything always works out for me.’” She repeated. “Everything always works out for me.”
“Even when things are difficult.” I continued.
She repeated. “Even when things are difficult.”
“Here is what I need you to do. Go get dressed, brush your teeth and we will go for a ride.”
Walking out of her room I picked up a few toys scattered across the carpet. The conversation with my daughter danced about my mind as I searched for an answer. What do I need to do? Do I give in and let her stay home? I don’t want to force her, making it even worse so that she never wants to do it again. Boy, will my wife be upset with me if I cave under the pressure of my daughter’s tears. I have to get her to tennis. It will be good for her. I know her fears are all an illusion in her mind. In reality they do not exist, but how can I get her to understand that?
My journey continued through the living room and my thoughts traveled with me. My mind continued pondering the situation. I picked up a few more toys off of the carpet and then I picked up an answer! Dr. Wayne Dyer* popped into my head. A bucket! That’s what I need.
In my excitement, and urgency to get going, I frantically searched around the house for a bucket. I found a big orange Home Depot bucket, but it was too big. A cracked plastic beach pail, but that wouldn’t work. Next, I remembered a navy blue toy cookie jar which looked more like a barrel. This barrel had ten cookies in it each with a number, one through ten, which was used to teach her younger sister how to count.
I ran back into the living room and searched for this toy barrel. Upon finding it I calmly rushed back into her bedroom. “Hey Jordan. While you finish getting dressed and brush your teeth I want you to carry this barrel with you,” I said with a smile.
“Why?” She gave me a suspecting gaze, knowing I had something silly up my sleeve.
“As we get ready to go out I want you to take your fears and worries and put them into this barrel. Before we leave we can get rid of all of your fears by dumping them in the trash!”
I received her usual glare of annoyance and slight confusion then walked out of her room to get ready for our day.
When finally ready she walked into the kitchen with her barrel in hand. “Hey sweetie! Did you fill up your barrel?” I enthusiastically asked while opening the trash can lid. “Let’s empty your barrel of fears into the trash so we can get rid of them.”
With a quick thrust she dumped the barrel into the trash. Expecting nothing, I surprisingly heard a clanking around the inside of the barrel upon her dumping it out.
“Wow! You emptied your barrel of fears into the trash. Good job!” I exclaimed. “But, there is nothing in here. Did you really empty your barrel into the trash?”
“Daddy! No. You know I can’t put my fears into the barrel.” “Why not?” I asked
“I just can’t. They don’t exist.”
“Ahh, yes! They don’t exist.” I smiled. “They are all in your head. You cannot grab them and put them under your pillow, you can’t put them in your barrel of fears, not even in the trash!” I carried on. “But, I heard something fall into the trash.”
Fully knowing she couldn’t put her fears into the barrel she found something tangible to put inside. Looking into the trash can I discovered a round pencil eraser that fell out of the barrel. “Oh wow, it’s an eraser!” I carried on. Grabbing the eraser I noticed an image of a bear. “Oh, look it’s Eraser Bear. Wow! Jordan, did you see this? I am not sure how she got in there.”
Jordan sighed as I carried on. “Did you know that Eraser Bear loves her job? She has such an easy job! Whenever someone has fears, worries, or anxiety Eraser Bear shows up to help. She is always smiling because she knows there really is nothing to erase. Regardless, people hire her over and over again. She shows up to erase their fears and she finds nothing! Then they send her on her way.
“What a great job! Every time she shows up to help with someone’s fears, stress, anxiety, or worry there is nothing for her to erase. Upon understanding that their fears really do not exist, she goes on her way.”
Jordan rolled her eyes at the utter silliness of my story, but embraced a knowing that all was well. That day I drove my daughter to her tennis practice for what turned out to be a wonderful and exciting day for her. The following week when it came time for her to go to tennis practice she eagerly anticipated the day ahead.
The following day after school she popped open the door to my office and said, “Hey daddy! Guess what I carried with me all day today?”
“I don’t know. What did you carry with you sweetie?”
“Eraser Bear!” I exclamied as she pulled Eraser Bear from her pocket with a confident grin. “Wow! That is wonderful Jordan. I am so proud of you.”
Are you worried, stressed, anxious or angry? If you are, just know these feelings do not physically exist . To prove it, whenever the illusion of fear, stress or any other negative thought comes to your mind put all of it into a bucket, barrel or a bag. Once you fill it up dump it in the trash. Remember our friend Eraser Bear and the utter silliness of her job whenever you feel overwhelmed, anxious, scared or worried.
First of all, whenever I am feeling ornery or stressed I visualize putting my anger, stress, or fear into my Barrel o’ Fear. As a result, I have yet to accomplish the task of filling my barrel. Although this practice makes things easier for me and I no longer allow worries to control my day.
Wishing you days filled with ease and happiness!
*Dr. Wayne Dyer spoke about a patient of his who was suffering from terrible stress. Upon leaving her session for the day he gave her a bucket and asked her to fill it with all of her stress and bring the bucket back next time they met. Needless to say, she returned the bucket empty.
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